For a long time I've wanted to start another family. I am disheartened by how my four kids and I relate. We're not close and don't contribute much to each others lives, much of which is my fault, complications arising from my lack of character and the symptoms of my bipolar mood disorder in my younger years. My best friend, Mark's family is very close. When he asks his 3 kids to volunteer and help serve the homeless at Catholic Worker where he and I are on staff, they all come to help out cheerfully. I guess it's not always a good idea to make comparisons...
I love babies and feel young, though I'm pushing 50, look young, too, thanks to my half Japanese genes. And so I've been somewhat searching for a younger woman who wants to bear a couple children into this world.
But I've recently experienced a release in my spiritual life where remaining chaste actually seems a real possibility. That has led me to deepening my spiritual commitments. Combine that with the desire to do something about my fear of death and the desire to live eternally, has me thinking of straightening out my life to be in accordance with the Catholic Church and its teachings.
The Church takes very seriously the words of Jesus. It's one of my main attractions to it. Jesus said remarrying is adultery (the Church teaches only an honest annulment corrects this) and I've been married three times. So, unless I can honestly obtain three annulments, which seems mind-boggling to my ADD brain (long term projects are VERY hard for us), then it would be a grave sin for me to remarry. And since its a grave sin to be intimate with a girl outside of marriage, then I'm looking at lifelong celibacy. Something which seems easier to enjoy since said spiritual release from the fires of lust (which one can only hope is permanent).
Now, I have come to realize that I am drawn to the monastic. I really enjoyed getting up two hours early, a few years ago, and driving to Mark's house for coffee and morning prayer from the Divine Office, an ancient Catholic practice which all the priests, nuns, sisters and brothers in monasteries do worldwide everyday throughout the day. I did that for over a year. I also spent quite a few times a week during that period before the Eucharist in a Chapel of Perpetual Adoration, which the Church teaches is the direct Presence of God. Much of that time was chronicled in my earlier blog The Lucky Man. Reading The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris and her other book, Acedia and Me, opened my eyes to the joys and strengths of the monastic life.
Soooo, I am considering becoming a Benedictine Oblate, a third order (layman) member of the huge Catholic order founded by St. Benedict. And perhaps even joining a monastery in a deeper commitment to the order. I don't think I'm eligible to become a priest at my age and education level with all the baggage in my life, but there may be a monastery which would take me in. Or I could lead a life like Kathleen Norris, full of layman commitments and activities while writing award winning poetry....
Now, mind you, these are all thoughts just beginning to percolate inside my often dizzy little head. We shall see where this all goes....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
She's here! My first grandbaby
.
I will add more later, but Meavh (a Scottish name pronounced Mayv) was born at 8 lbs 4 oz with long black hair on the 24th!
She was born at home in the master bedroom, her dad was born in a bedroom naturally also 22 years ago. The midwife was trained by her dad's midwife, Kaye Bullock, a lovely lady. She is a quiet baby (lucky parents!) and sweet to behold. Sorry about the blurry picture, more will be published soon.
The paternal joy I basked in the first night was surprisingly sweet. I think she is going to change my life, just like her dad did when he was born. New life, fresh hope, a beginning full of lovely possibilities. Love goes on with this life. Ever expanding circles of love.
Folks, this is what its all about!
I will add more later, but Meavh (a Scottish name pronounced Mayv) was born at 8 lbs 4 oz with long black hair on the 24th!
She was born at home in the master bedroom, her dad was born in a bedroom naturally also 22 years ago. The midwife was trained by her dad's midwife, Kaye Bullock, a lovely lady. She is a quiet baby (lucky parents!) and sweet to behold. Sorry about the blurry picture, more will be published soon.
The paternal joy I basked in the first night was surprisingly sweet. I think she is going to change my life, just like her dad did when he was born. New life, fresh hope, a beginning full of lovely possibilities. Love goes on with this life. Ever expanding circles of love.
Folks, this is what its all about!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
New Poem
I hurt...
You are confused
And you draw lines in your mind
And I have no idea
And you judge
Instead of communicate.
I really don't see
How we can recover from this
You are so broken
and I don't read minds
I hurt...
You are confused
And you draw lines in your mind
And I have no idea
And you judge
Instead of communicate.
I really don't see
How we can recover from this
You are so broken
and I don't read minds
I hurt...
Friday, March 6, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
I declare war on President Obama and his failed policies of the past.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats. -- H.L. Mencken
President Barack Obama has come out of the closet and shown himself to be a flaming liberal bent on destroying the works of President Ronald Reagan, and that, my friends, is a call to arms.
I knew we were in for some trouble, but drew a sigh of relief at his cabinet picks and had no concrete reason for high alarm due to his broad and general campaign outline of himself that he drew and my natural optimism and willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, with announcing his disdain for the free market and his incredible new New Deal programs he outlined Thursday night, he has shown himself to be the quintessential, far left, liberal, big goverment, tax and spend politician on an even grander scale than LBJ.
This is going too far. This is reason to sit upright and pay strict attention. This is a man intent on stealing from the riches of America relying on the old, failed policies of the past, that have done nothing but bring destruction and financial ruin to millions of Americans. And I will use every last ounce of my political strength to oppose my president. This is war.
President Barack Obama is showing himself to be cruel to the poor, and the middle class. For his policies will bankrupt this nation and lead to quadruple the economic turmoil we have seen in the past 18 months. It will devastate the nation and then the world. Freedom is at risk here, prosperity is at risk here. Our very way of life is at risk here.
And I'm not alone in my dire assessment of our new president. There are literally millions of Americans out there who remember the blessings that Reaganism brought to our great nation, who will not sit idly by while the American way is trampled by the lousy tenants of liberalism. This will be a grassroots uprising of the highest order and we will take no prisoners. This is war and the vast majority of Americans will stop this horrible political agenda. Rise up, my brothers and sisters, now is the time, our time to put this Anti-Reagan president and his congressional ilk where they belong: in the ash heap of history.
Slash and burn.
President Barack Obama has come out of the closet and shown himself to be a flaming liberal bent on destroying the works of President Ronald Reagan, and that, my friends, is a call to arms.
I knew we were in for some trouble, but drew a sigh of relief at his cabinet picks and had no concrete reason for high alarm due to his broad and general campaign outline of himself that he drew and my natural optimism and willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, with announcing his disdain for the free market and his incredible new New Deal programs he outlined Thursday night, he has shown himself to be the quintessential, far left, liberal, big goverment, tax and spend politician on an even grander scale than LBJ.
This is going too far. This is reason to sit upright and pay strict attention. This is a man intent on stealing from the riches of America relying on the old, failed policies of the past, that have done nothing but bring destruction and financial ruin to millions of Americans. And I will use every last ounce of my political strength to oppose my president. This is war.
President Barack Obama is showing himself to be cruel to the poor, and the middle class. For his policies will bankrupt this nation and lead to quadruple the economic turmoil we have seen in the past 18 months. It will devastate the nation and then the world. Freedom is at risk here, prosperity is at risk here. Our very way of life is at risk here.
And I'm not alone in my dire assessment of our new president. There are literally millions of Americans out there who remember the blessings that Reaganism brought to our great nation, who will not sit idly by while the American way is trampled by the lousy tenants of liberalism. This will be a grassroots uprising of the highest order and we will take no prisoners. This is war and the vast majority of Americans will stop this horrible political agenda. Rise up, my brothers and sisters, now is the time, our time to put this Anti-Reagan president and his congressional ilk where they belong: in the ash heap of history.
Slash and burn.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Guest Blogger: What is the most important thing in life?
Here is one of my Twitter friends answering my very important question...
A Reflection on Parenting
by
Vered (aka v_a_k on twitter)
During one of my first wanderings out and about in Twittervile, I came upon Timaay's question: "Ok, tweeps, in one word, what is the most important thing in life...". .. With hardly a pause, I replied "Parenting". Upon further reflection and the need to elaborate on this without the 140 characters twit-limit, I am happy to endorse that knee jerk response.
Beyond the fact that...
-- giving birth to my son was the single most sensation-packed event I have experienced to date - physical and emotional,
-- becoming a mother has brought about in me a transformation not equaled by any other, redefining the relationship with my own parents and giving me a new perspective on my priorities,
-- the feelings - joy and pain, pride and guilt, love (and yes, even sometimes hate) - are most intense within the relationship with my son...
Beyond all else, I realize that by producing life and nurturing it, I have been granted the opportunity to have a concrete and meaningful impact on the world.
Few of us are born with a gift that allows us to paint "Starry Nights", to compose "The Four Seasons", or to write "The Great Gatsby" - masterpieces that acquired a life of their own and have transcended the lifetime of their creators. But by setting forth and multiplying, each one of us can create an equally, if not more beautiful masterpiece.
As I at times struggle with the desire to "make a difference" through either work, socializing or political activism and the need to tame this desire on account of my shortcomings and the limits of the energy I can muster, I ultimately recognize that my most important sphere of influence is my home and my family. By creating an environment wherein my child can grow to be a productive, responsible, kind and caring person, I make all the difference in the world. And if I am blessed and he grows and matures in such a way as to choose and be able to set forth and multiply as well, then the impact lingers. My essence, my soul - and those of my fore-bearers, manage to survive yet another day, and we will exist in a future in which our names have been long forgotten.
Life persists and I have done the work of God. What more can I ask for?
For comments and more writings visit the Crimson Court
[
A Reflection on Parenting
by
Vered (aka v_a_k on twitter)
During one of my first wanderings out and about in Twittervile, I came upon Timaay's question: "Ok, tweeps, in one word, what is the most important thing in life...". .. With hardly a pause, I replied "Parenting". Upon further reflection and the need to elaborate on this without the 140 characters twit-limit, I am happy to endorse that knee jerk response.
Beyond the fact that...
-- giving birth to my son was the single most sensation-packed event I have experienced to date - physical and emotional,
-- becoming a mother has brought about in me a transformation not equaled by any other, redefining the relationship with my own parents and giving me a new perspective on my priorities,
-- the feelings - joy and pain, pride and guilt, love (and yes, even sometimes hate) - are most intense within the relationship with my son...
Beyond all else, I realize that by producing life and nurturing it, I have been granted the opportunity to have a concrete and meaningful impact on the world.
Few of us are born with a gift that allows us to paint "Starry Nights", to compose "The Four Seasons", or to write "The Great Gatsby" - masterpieces that acquired a life of their own and have transcended the lifetime of their creators. But by setting forth and multiplying, each one of us can create an equally, if not more beautiful masterpiece.
As I at times struggle with the desire to "make a difference" through either work, socializing or political activism and the need to tame this desire on account of my shortcomings and the limits of the energy I can muster, I ultimately recognize that my most important sphere of influence is my home and my family. By creating an environment wherein my child can grow to be a productive, responsible, kind and caring person, I make all the difference in the world. And if I am blessed and he grows and matures in such a way as to choose and be able to set forth and multiply as well, then the impact lingers. My essence, my soul - and those of my fore-bearers, manage to survive yet another day, and we will exist in a future in which our names have been long forgotten.
Life persists and I have done the work of God. What more can I ask for?
For comments and more writings visit the Crimson Court
[
http://vakoriski.livejournal.com/] - I would love to hear your thoughts!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Touching Eternity
How the mystery of God enters my mundane and profane life...
Sometimes when I say the last amen of the Rosary prayer I feel I'm at one with God & the universe. It started in my early days of praying this repetitious prayer when I used a small software application on my home computer that I downloaded for free after a google search. Its amazing the doors that Google unlocks for you...
The application had you hit the amen button as you got to the end of the Rosary and it would take you to the next prayer. When I hit the final amen of the concluding prayer the entire application would disappear, leaving me with my simple PC desktop. The suddenness of that act would transport me to a place where I immediately felt the peace of God and the curious sense of being wonderfully in touch with his presence. I would feel a deep sense of well being and that I was in touch with the entire universe, at one with it, and with its creator.
The feeling often pervades my senses even when I haphazardly pray the Rosary at work in my casino on a dead game where I'd have plenty of time to muddle through what I could remember of the mysteries of that particular day. I'd be standing there at the prayer's conclusion feeling my invisible senses expanding out to the entire universe.
All this sounds grand and wonderfully full of mystery but its always quite subtle and often missed as the profane concerns of my work day would block me from contact with the invisible world. But on occasion, I'd be wrapped in the mystery and sublime beauty of prayer, in touch with my spirit and all of creation.
What this all means in the long run of my stumbling, sinful life I'm not quite sure, but I'm grateful that a little bit of heaven can pervade my earthly life by praying the simple, repetitious Rosary.
.
Sometimes when I say the last amen of the Rosary prayer I feel I'm at one with God & the universe. It started in my early days of praying this repetitious prayer when I used a small software application on my home computer that I downloaded for free after a google search. Its amazing the doors that Google unlocks for you...
The application had you hit the amen button as you got to the end of the Rosary and it would take you to the next prayer. When I hit the final amen of the concluding prayer the entire application would disappear, leaving me with my simple PC desktop. The suddenness of that act would transport me to a place where I immediately felt the peace of God and the curious sense of being wonderfully in touch with his presence. I would feel a deep sense of well being and that I was in touch with the entire universe, at one with it, and with its creator.
The feeling often pervades my senses even when I haphazardly pray the Rosary at work in my casino on a dead game where I'd have plenty of time to muddle through what I could remember of the mysteries of that particular day. I'd be standing there at the prayer's conclusion feeling my invisible senses expanding out to the entire universe.
All this sounds grand and wonderfully full of mystery but its always quite subtle and often missed as the profane concerns of my work day would block me from contact with the invisible world. But on occasion, I'd be wrapped in the mystery and sublime beauty of prayer, in touch with my spirit and all of creation.
What this all means in the long run of my stumbling, sinful life I'm not quite sure, but I'm grateful that a little bit of heaven can pervade my earthly life by praying the simple, repetitious Rosary.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
