Evening prayer

.

Prayer Train

There's a train of people in my wake
as I journey through life,
people I love and have compassion for,
whom I pray for.
Interceding with heaven,
that I may enjoy their company for eternity in paradise,
rejoicing together in our fellowship with God,
that eternity-long celebration,
and asking that their earthly sufferings be alleviated
and also made to enrich their lives
as Christ's sufferings enriches ours.

I have a lovely train of friends, beloveds and family-
all of whom I hope the best for,
they bring love to my life,
may I ever be so rich....



written tonight at 3 am in Chapel of Perpetual Adoration

The Nearness of God

I come to the nearness of God in this special, quiet place
With other lowly pilgrims seeking his touch.
I am blessed with the comforts of a caring and present God
In this always open chapel.

I come to the nearness of God and ask of him
Pertaining to all of my desires and all my questions.
I am surrounded by silence and the thoughts of God
In the chapel of adoration.

I come to the nearness of God, afforded in this nook of the church,
Grateful for how close my God is to me,
By his own choice, by his own sacrament,
In this chapel containing his body.

I come to the nearness of God, hungry and hopeful,
Desiring the keeping of promises, glad of his faithfulness,
Eager to receive in the silence
In the Eucharistic chapel.

God is good....

just written at 2 am in the St Bridgets Chapel of Perpetual Adoration

A Major Change In My Life? A monastery, even?

For a long time I've wanted to start another family. I am disheartened by how my four kids and I relate. We're not close and don't contribute much to each others lives, much of which is my fault, complications arising from my lack of character and the symptoms of my bipolar mood disorder in my younger years. My best friend, Mark's family is very close. When he asks his 3 kids to volunteer and help serve the homeless at Catholic Worker where he and I are on staff, they all come to help out cheerfully. I guess it's not always a good idea to make comparisons...

I love babies and feel young, though I'm pushing 50, look young, too, thanks to my half Japanese genes. And so I've been somewhat searching for a younger woman who wants to bear a couple children into this world.

But I've recently experienced a release in my spiritual life where remaining chaste actually seems a real possibility. That has led me to deepening my spiritual commitments. Combine that with the desire to do something about my fear of death and the desire to live eternally, has me thinking of straightening out my life to be in accordance with the Catholic Church and its teachings.

The Church takes very seriously the words of Jesus. It's one of my main attractions to it. Jesus said remarrying is adultery (the Church teaches only an honest annulment corrects this) and I've been married three times. So, unless I can honestly obtain three annulments, which seems mind-boggling to my ADD brain (long term projects are VERY hard for us), then it would be a grave sin for me to remarry. And since its a grave sin to be intimate with a girl outside of marriage, then I'm looking at lifelong celibacy. Something which seems easier to enjoy since said spiritual release from the fires of lust (which one can only hope is permanent).

Now, I have come to realize that I am drawn to the monastic. I really enjoyed getting up two hours early, a few years ago, and driving to Mark's house for coffee and morning prayer from the Divine Office, an ancient Catholic practice which all the priests, nuns, sisters and brothers in monasteries do worldwide everyday throughout the day. I did that for over a year. I also spent quite a few times a week during that period before the Eucharist in a Chapel of Perpetual Adoration, which the Church teaches is the direct Presence of God. Much of that time was chronicled in my earlier blog The Lucky Man. Reading The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris and her other book, Acedia and Me, opened my eyes to the joys and strengths of the monastic life.

Soooo, I am considering becoming a Benedictine Oblate, a third order (layman) member of the huge Catholic order founded by St. Benedict. And perhaps even joining a monastery in a deeper commitment to the order. I don't think I'm eligible to become a priest at my age and education level with all the baggage in my life, but there may be a monastery which would take me in. Or I could lead a life like Kathleen Norris, full of layman commitments and activities while writing award winning poetry....

Now, mind you, these are all thoughts just beginning to percolate inside my often dizzy little head. We shall see where this all goes....

She's here! My first grandbaby

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I will add more later, but Meavh (a Scottish name pronounced Mayv) was born at 8 lbs 4 oz with long black hair on the 24th!

She was born at home in the master bedroom, her dad was born in a bedroom naturally also 22 years ago. The midwife was trained by her dad's midwife, Kaye Bullock, a lovely lady. She is a quiet baby (lucky parents!) and sweet to behold. Sorry about the blurry picture, more will be published soon.

The paternal joy I basked in the first night was surprisingly sweet. I think she is going to change my life, just like her dad did when he was born. New life, fresh hope, a beginning full of lovely possibilities. Love goes on with this life. Ever expanding circles of love.

Folks, this is what its all about!

New Poem

I hurt...
You are confused
And you draw lines in your mind
And I have no idea
And you judge
Instead of communicate.

I really don't see
How we can recover from this
You are so broken
and I don't read minds
I hurt...

My favorite hike at RedRock Canyon area